Breaking the Cycle: How to Parent After Narcissistic Abuse and Cut Financial Control Ties

Welcome back.

This is another episode of Toxic.

This is part of the Compass
Point Institute podcast network.

Thanks for joining me once again.

This is Jon Murphy,
psychiatric nurse practitioner.

Let's jump right into it.

So there are many ways that a
narcissistic parent, or friend,

or partner will control you.

When I'm thinking about
my family growing up.

Yeah, there's a lot of things I
can look at and just say plainly,

wow, that was really crazy.

There was nothing that I was
reinforced into other than being

sort of the scapegoat and it,
I was comfortable with that.

That made me feel comfortable.

You know, it's so, yeah.

It's all right.

I guess, you know, I'll just
be the, the guy in the corner.

So our worthlessness becomes our identity.

And it's not uncommon to feel comfortable
around people that are gonna They're

gonna want you around for the things
that you're good at, but then they're

gonna punish you for being yourself.

So they're not really appreciating you
as an individual and that's normal.

So just think about that.

But there are many things that
were involved in my family.

One of them were siblings.

The other thing was a multi-generational
issue here where we can look and

say, Hey, this is bigger than
me, but hey, you can't fix it.

Can't fix toxic.

And you gotta take care of yourself
before you can take care of anyone else.

If you truly love these people,
then step away and do better

loving them at a distance.

What are the ties that bind?

I'll tell you one thing that wasn't
on my family's side, and that's money.

Now.

There was a lot of the way
money was handled was, oh wow.

It's just mind blowing.

To think back to it.

My mother used to call it feast or famine,
which basically means I spend money on

whatever I want at any point in time and.

I max out credit cards.

And then I live and stretch a penny like
you wouldn't believe, because narcissism

is a really great way of surviving.

You'll have a lot harder
time doing that if you care.

'cause you're gonna have to exploit
people a lot when exploitation is

open as a means of gaining money.

You have a lot more options, but
nonetheless, you're robbed of one

of the greatest things in life.

So if you have a narcissistic
parent, understand that.

So really quickly, just one idea is money.

You know, some people are come
from very wealthy families.

Yes.

Amongst the highest percentage of affluent
individuals, as we can readily see on

the front page of the, well, I was gonna
say newspaper, that'd be dating myself.

What do we say?

Front page of, you know, MSN, whatever.

Uh, the front page of whatever you're
scrolling on, what's the news say?

Well, the news say everyone's screwed
up, and especially at the top.

So what does that mean?

That means money's gonna be at play.

They're gonna control you with money,
and this is what they're gonna do.

They're gonna hang it over your
head and you're gonna physically

and physiologically feel tied to
that money and that safety net.

Feels so permanent.

You've been blamed for using money.

You've been blamed for
having to rely on them.

Whether it's just the payment of a
cell phone bill or holding onto some

asset or being in someone's will.

It is not helping you.

It is not making you feel safe.

Cut the ties that bind because I
guarantee you will feel better.

You might even feel better
sitting out on the street.

Tap dancing for money or, or
whatever it is that you're gonna

resort to in such a situation.

I would rather, I, I'm sure that
many of you would rather fend

for themselves as we had to do.

We had to grow up pretty quickly when
we were in this position, didn't we?

And we had to grow up all the way for you.

Scapegoats and cycle breakers out there.

Many of you understand the joy perhaps
of bringing in the next generation.

And, oh man, my daughter was
three when I went in no contact.

And I looked at her the week after and
I realized, oh my goodness, that is a

completely different person other than me.

Okay, duh.

Right?

No, not so fast.

Ours to hold.

What is yours to hold.

So here's my reality.

I wasn't cared for.

I was ignored.

I was left in front of the television.

I was ignored and discarded and
forgot about, and I was set up to

fail just about every way one could.

But I'm extremely grateful and
lucky to say that I did pretty well

on my own with what I was given.

I found creative pursuits to which
I'm still enjoying right now.

And I found social reinforcement in the
school and academic environment as a kid.

So that was good.

So I was reinforced positively in
this area and it made me feel good

and it really sort of shielded me
from the true pain of being ignored.

But if I go back in time,
I can really understand.

And you must understand this as an adult
if you did not get the secure attachment

with a parent, especially a mother, if
you didn't have the safety and security

a mother brings how can you tell?

Lemme give you some insight
into what that looks like.

I would see other children, like other
kids from a very young age, say four

or five, and they'd be like, mommy.

And they'd cry and they'd
be like, I want my mommy.

And I didn't think about any,
nothing popped into my head.

You know, I never thought anything
negative, but my body reacted so strongly.

I felt like sick to my stomach,
like I wanted to vomit.

That's not normal.

That's so not normal.

So if you feel like a physical
revulsion, and also too, I remember.

Being on a kid's houses, five,
six years old and they were

wanting to play like play pretend.

And I like didn't know how it was,
like, it felt weird and strange to me.

And children just kind of disgusted
me, to be honest with you.

I'm so, I feel, I mean, I feel
sorry to say that because they're

children are beautiful and they're,
they children come into the world

perfectly, you know, that's the facts.

Children come into the world
perfect and things happen from

there and were shaped from there.

But at the time.

I was disgusted by that.

Why?

Because my body was
like, that ain't for you.

That ain't for you.

So as a parent, we're learning,
oh my gosh, I can do this thing.

Because if you feel this pain and
endure a childhood of neglect and

emotional abuse and physical abuse and
sexual abuse, whatever your story is.

Although I will say, let me
note here, emotional abuse

is, I'm gonna put out like.

I'm gonna, I'm gonna say speak broadly.

Emotional abuse is, is catastrophic.

The internal world being validated,
that what we feel is normal

to even talk about feelings.

And I can say in my case, it was just,
there was, there was none of that.

It was just.

A yelling and screaming person
telling everyone else that they

weren't allowed to feel anything.

You know what I mean?

So what are you crying for?

You want a knuckle sandwich?

That kind of stuff.

I'll give you something to
cry about, that kind of stuff.

So, but here we are, and I, I think
it's like holding onto something

and you're like, is it real?

And it's like the weight is so.

Huge, so massive.

The pit in your stomach.

And then it's like, what do you, what
do you, who do you think you are?

It's very, very strange
gaslighting, duality to grow up in.

Nonetheless, as parents,
I know for me, oh my gosh.

When my daughter was born,
it was very profound.

The tears just flowed like Niagara
Falls and such a beautiful moment.

And I just poured out this joy.

And at that moment my brain
clicked and it was like, I have

something to do that is different.

I don't have to worry
about myself so much.

I can really just think
about what's best for them.,

You know, anxiety?

Am I gonna be the best
father if I'm anxious?

Boom.

First time in life, anxiety gone.

So healing.

And here's the thing, what we do when
we realize we have the responsibility,

we carry the pain of the scapegoat.

We are thinking and planning with
that as our basis of childhood.

It is not normal, so you
will not parent normally.

You'll parent from a fear-based
perspective and you will

look at things as threats.

If you do not understand what caused the
pain, you'll look all over the place.

Oh, this is a common one.

Oh, it's the food.

It's the food dyes.

Or, oh, it's the screens, or we
need the perfect parenting thing.

Or, you know, we've been told
there's a narrative about parenting.

Everyone's gonna be a horrible parent.

'cause I was.

And that's just the way it is.

You know, you're not
allowed to get it right.

So there's that pressure
to prove your worthiness.

And when my daughter was three, I
looked at her like, that's not me.

It's this little girl sitting
in the, in the, uh, playpen.

And I see her you know, I know she's
my kid, but I know it's not me.

How could it be?

It's 2025, it's not 1989.

And she's not surrounded by all those
people and certainly not the crazy ones.

So how could it be me?

So therefore, the pain that I feel is
mine and mine alone, and what's gonna

help her when she's distressed or when
she's grumpy, when she's tired is not.

Gonna be something that I'm gonna
understand and she's gonna get

emotional and things can be going great.

And she can wake up and just be in a mood.

Why?

'cause she's given that leeway.

She's allowed to be immature
and express herself.

And we need to catch that.

We need to hold that.

We need to deal with that.

And when we can.

Show up and be calm and levelheaded
and process ourselves and

understand the difference between

what is just ours and ours alone,
and we have to look at that.

It's individual.

What are the times we go through?

I know Christmas is a big one
for me because for me Christmas

was amazing because it was what
I had instead of what I needed.

So the things that you had instead of what
you need, you'll feel very strongly for.

So I remember because I was put
in front of the TV from a very

young age when I went to journal
about my mother, it's like hard.

I'm like, huh.

I can certainly remember sort of
a rants tirades, crazy stories,

behaviors, nasty things, but I can't
really remember like little moments

or, or 'cause you think, wait a minute,
there should be something, right?

Am I making this up?

But then I'm like, okay,
well what do I remember?

It's a rare condition in this day and age.

Do you read any good news
on the newspaper page?

Shout out to, uh, TGIF, right?

That was, um, family Matters.

So Family Matters.

You know the Winslow's that that
was, I felt I was part of that

family and Full house, of course.

And then you have these examples
of the wholesome family tv, but we

had the dysfunctional families too.

The Simpsons married with the children.

See, it's all normal.

It's right there in the TV for me to see.

I love this crazy bunch of weirdos.

So.

That is what I attach to.

I have attachments to television.

That doesn't mean my daughter
needs to sit in front of the tv,

we're parenting in the year 2025.

So nonetheless Christmas, the first
Christmas, I dressed up like Santa Claus

and everything was so outta control.

Everything has to be big and
outta control because we gotta

make sure we do it differently.

Stop, don't overextend.

'cause at the end of the day, what
does our child really need to be

present with them and the power
of just touch, physical touch.

Just give them a hug, hold them close.

And if your children are getting older,
well, they're not children anymore.

But toxic families

treat adults like children,
children like adults.

But for us, if we could see them
at whatever age for who they

are now, if they're a teenager,
they're not a child anymore.

They don't need you in the same way,
but they need to go out in the world

and navigate those relationships.

Just simply hearing that sounds hard.

You sound angry.

I'm sorry.

That's hard for you.

That's hard.

That's difficult.

Less is so much more than
you could possibly imagine.

We think about this, because we're gonna
be messy, we're not gonna be perfect.

It's gonna be hard.

We're gonna be stressed, we're gonna lose
our temper, we're gonna feel exhausted.

We're gonna think, oh no, I
maybe I can't do this thing.

But then we have to realize the pain
we feel you're giving a child something

that you could never understand ever.

So the pain you feel is
yours and yours alone.

In other words, what happened to you when
you're thinking about your parenting?

Did you have someone like
you, someone that was flawed?

And stressed out and did the best they
could, but they lost their temper, but

then they came back and changed and did
it again, or apologized or made up for it.

Did they show empathy?

Did they say sorry?

Did they do any of those
things once at all, ever Up to

the very last bitter moment.

Did they do anything at all
to show you they're anything

other than completely toxic?

Have they shown you at all anything?

That would suggest to you
there are anything other than

absolutely and completely toxic.

Well, I know from my case and from
many out there, the answer is no.

And did you have what you're giving?

That's probably a hard
no, that's probably a ha.

I was putting my daughter to bed the other
night and she was having a hard time.

My do my wife and I, God bless her,
both working through this thing.

If you can believe it or not.

Yes.

Her mother's narcissistic too.

Isn't it amazing how we sort of
pair off nonetheless, putting

my daughter to bed, she's upset.

Daddy, I feel guilt 'cause I work a
lot trying to make the time for her.

I always feel bad.

I just want her to feel safe, calm, daddy.

I'm trying to go back to the replay.

You know, we had a good day today, right?

And then I realized we played
catch and I'm like, wait a minute.

We played catch.

Yeah, I did not have a person
ever played catch with me.

Not one time, not once.

Not one ball, not one moment ever.

But I got to watch that on tv.

You know, the Sandlot, that kid in the
sandlot, Dennis Leary, that was me.

No one to play catch with.

But I didn't have that,
the sandlot either.

But anyway, to be positive,
to end it on a positive note.

Here's the deal, now we get to do it.

That inner child, you can heal
it yourself, and you're a parent,

and you have to see that your
emotional experience, your

pain is yours and yours alone.

You have to heal that and process
that and understand how it's

influencing your parenting.

Because we're parenting children
so they can succeed in the world.

We need to find what is the right
amount of freedom to give them.

And always try to see
them for where they are.

If they're 18, we can't go back
in time and change who we were.

But if we just say, I understand, we are
able to get that five star, four star,

three star, two star, or one star review
and just say, you know, I'm sorry but I,

and I hear you, but let's, how do we move
forward together now and for children

that are going no contact
with their parents.

It's so unnatural to do, and
the fact of the matter is,

you are good enough out there.

We don't need to get it perfect.

What happened to us was not an accident
that occurred during someone trying to

execute the perfect parenting strategy.

What happened to you were emotional wounds
left by abusive behavior, perpetrated by

a narcissistic individual that cares only
about the supply of themselves, creating

people that are dependent, defying nature.

And that's a serious pain.

So you'll never know what it's like
to have someone that's good enough,

but hopefully you can break the cycle.

So, hey, cycle breakers out there.

Let me know if this resonated with you.

Let me know what you think.

Check out my blog, myfocuspath.blog.

Can check out the other stuff we got
going on at the Compass Point Institute.

Once again, this is Jon Murphy,
psychiatric nurse practitioner.

This has been another episode of Toxic.

We'll see you later.