The Face Every Toxic Person Makes (And Why It Haunts You)

Jonathan Murphy: Hello.

My name is Jon Murphy, psychiatric
nurse practitioner, and you are

listening to another episode of Toxic.

let's think about how a
narcissist works for a moment.

So I've talked in the past
about narcissistic supply.

A toxic person's fuel.

This is gonna explain the unexplainable.

If you have empathy, you've probably
been in situations where you don't

understand how someone could behave
without regard to other people.

How certain situations
make other people feel.

There doesn't seem to be
an attempt to save face.

There doesn't seem to be an attempt
to get things under control.

What does it mean from subtle behavior to
overt craziness, the narcissistic person,

they're extracting supply In
these situations, it's soothing,

an underlying pathology.

The emotional manipulation of others,
the control someone can have on

someone else, whether it's make them
feel sad or crazy or nervous, what

have you, that power is the supply.

That is why they feel so good doing it.

On the opposite end of the spectrum?

Well, that's narcissistic rage.

Narcissism looks different.

Narcissistic people have
different tendencies.

They might work in a big corporate
office, or they might be the nice old

lady walking down the road, but one thing.

Is certain all narcissistic
people make the face.

So think about the face.

It is pure hatred.

Hatred directed at the person
who cut off the supply.

If you inadvertently thwart
the plan of a toxic person,

you'll be victim to the stare.

maybe growing up.

You see the stare when you are happy.

Maybe it's something that is confusing.

All of a sudden you see the
stare and what comes next.

Why?

What did you do wrong?

I wasn't trying to do anything.

In fact, I was having fun.

I've worked really hard to be normal.

I've tried my best to succeed in life,
and yet here I am, victim of the stare.

Why is that?

Well, that happiness, that normalness
connecting with other people, growth,

possibility, hope, that's the problem.

They'll hate what they never can have.

And they know they'll never
be able to feel what you feel.

The goodness, the empathy, the
connection, it's inaccessible to them.

They don't know what they don't have.

They only know one
thing, and that is supply

the hunger for supply is so great.

The narcissist will
manipulate their own children.

The people in their lives that are their
friends are mere pieces on the chessboard,

strategize, and manipulate in order
to gain the sweet narcissistic supply.

Oh, no.

Someone is upset, they're stressed
out, they're worried, they're

nervous, they're manic, they're
depressed, they're losing their mind.

It's amazing to think these
things give the narcissist joy.

There's another odd
and unusual phenomenon.

More subtle.

It's another face.

Calm, cool, collected.

If there's anyone you suspect to
be a narcissist in a situation,

maybe there's chaos unfolding.

Whether it's a fight at the family picnic.

The staff meeting.

When the office politics just
snap into one big moment,

everyone's losing their mind.

Maybe someone lost their temper,
but what is the narcissist doing?

Take a look at them.

If they're cool, calm, and collected,
chances are it was orchestrated.

The many faces the narcissist can make can
give us a glimpse into their inner world.

It's so automatic and involuntary.

It's tied to their nervous system.

No doubt about it.

I've talked about it in the past.

There's plenty of reasons to be
empathetic toward the narcissist.

We can do this while also protecting
ourselves, while also going no contact

while also saying, I'm not going
to accept abuse from you anymore.

I'm not going to allow
you to cause me pain.

We say these things without saying it.

We heal ourselves by backing away slowly.

You learn to sit with silence and
accept the simple truth that not

everyone wants what's best for you.

If you see the face, your first
reaction might just say, I'm sorry,

your first reaction might be to
chalk it up to something else.

They had a bad day.

They had a belly ache.

Their memory isn't so good, you
know, they're kind of forgetful.

They heard you the first time.

You asked for space, you said
something made you uncomfortable,

and there they are doing it again.

Am I going crazy?

Am I losing my mind?

No.

They heard you the first time.

They're getting older.

They did the best they could.

Did they?

Well, if we have to update that
version of events, rest assured now

we can, that memory that you stored
back there, we can take it out and

we can update it for who we are now,
no longer dependent on toxic people.

Think about all those times that
you saw the face and remember.

They heard you the first time.

So until next time, my name is Jon
Murphy, psychiatric nurse practitioner.

This has been another episode of Toxic.