The Universal Reaction That Exposes Toxic People

Jon Murphy, PMHNP: Welcome back to Toxic,
the podcast where we decode the psychology

behind destructive relationships.

and give you the clinical
tools to recognize them.

I'm Jonathan Murphy, psych np, and
each week we dive into patterns that.

Regular old therapy just happens to
miss, and you might be tired of some

toxic people and some lame advice.

So if that doesn't work for truly toxic
situations, you're in the right place.

Gonna give it to you straight.

We're talking about the one universal
response that gives toxic people

away instantly, and it happens
the second you set any boundary.

Nervous system responses are
automatic and involuntary.

It comes from already
being vigilant or tense.

So if someone's triggered, you
are already tense to begin with.

You are already on edge to begin with.

You are already.

Primed up just shooting from the hip.

'cause you had your gun cocked
locked and ready to blow.

But here's the thing, I'm on
the other side of this game now.

It only took me 38 years of life and I
see the things that used to trigger me.

If I'm calm, it takes a lot more, right?

You get to get the whole engine started.

You're not driving down the road already.

You kind of have a more of a shock,
it takes a minute, it has to land.

We're surprised we're caught off guard.

What?

You know, this is a new experience.

What?

I was actually calm.

I'm not even mad right now.

And literally not being mad.

Those are the good situations when we
can sit there and be, you know what?

This other person is freaking
out right now and I'm not.

' cause you can do it.

But when you set those boundaries,
whether you realize it or not,

they're shooting at the hip.

Whether it's a quick
ah, or what do you mean?

Something just fires off.

And you might be like, what do you mean?

I didn't mean anything.

The moment you're surprised,
that's your nervous system.

Your body's surprised

about 10 minutes later, your
brain's like, okay, I guess so.

And you're really nice to me.

So I was really lonely before
and now, ever since you came into

my life, I'm actually out doing
things and I have friends now.

So, whatever it is, whatever vulnerability
we have, I really need the money.

They're my roommate, whatever it is.

So those things matter.

We have to consider that.

At the end of the day, the closer
they are, the more of an opportunity

to interface with this thing.

You're stuck in the jungle, but
you got one thing on your side.

The Gray Rock method become as
boring as a rock, just "hi".

Oh, hey, how are you doing?

I'm preparing an unsalted mix
of chicken and rice to eat for

dinner is my favorite food.

Now, I'm gonna use this as a segue
here before I dive into Part B.

An interesting kind of segue on this here.

And it's not what you think, if
anyone is making you confused,

that's a sign you gotta move on
because the truth rings clear.

You'll know it when you hear it, so
if you don't grow up with it, and

maybe you do, even if you're on the
autism spectrum, I just find the

autism spectrum to be a very unique
thing when it comes to toxic people.

And I wanna caution you, if you're
out there, if you know someone on the

autism spectrum, if you're on the autism
spectrum, here's what makes you different.

You don't have a social emotional radar.

Can't read the room, but
you live in your mind.

So a toxic person sees someone like that
and maybe they'll think, fixer upper,

you know, and he's gonna do what I want.

Whenever there's a toxic person
around, look at who else is around.

They don't like being outshined.

They don't like being outdone.

And you can feel it in your
bones at the end of the day.

. Lemme just ask you if there's
one simple thing on the floor

when you walk into the room

are there eggshells?

How many?

One, two.

Just a little fleck.

Well, you got heaps and piles of eggshells
just standing there and you're just trying

to wade through 'em just to not upset the
apple cart because maybe you feel bad,

you don't wanna talk about other people.

Do not be gaslit into thinking
that you're wrong for talking.

You're probably talking because
you don't like it and you don't

like it because it's not cool.

It's not healthy.

It's not kind.

It's abusive.

It's dysfunctional.

It's toxic.

But the good news is.

You get to do something better.

You don't have to talk about it just
to have someone throw it back into

your face and make you feel bad.

It's hard enough having a burden to talk
about if you're gonna seek support, if

you're gonna seek the comfort from others.

Think hard and long.

Is there someone on the receiving
end that you can actually trust?

Ask yourself, is this
coming from a healed place?

Or maybe you can validate yourself.

Bring it back here.

Remember that child do the work
because you probably don't need

it as bad as you think you do.

But those autistic people, man, they're
in their head, like of the mind.

If you're listening to this,
you're of the mind, so your mind.

Can think your way into
crazy, it's so logical.

It stopped being logical.

Why?

Because there's an underlying
tension that you're cut off to.

so what would benefit you the most?

Is to draw awareness
to your physical body.

That's the bridge to everything
else, but the only priority is at any

moment stress from the earliest sign.

To the latest, whatever you
can do to conjure up awareness,

self-reflection, look back, say,
what was that starting point?

Where did it come from?

How did it happen?

What went down?

And if you can't rely on
yourself to remember it, save

every notification in the book.

And I'm not talking about Facebook.

Oh no,

I'm talking about.

Catching yourself.

Don't come outside yourself and
don't convince yourself it's normal.

I've seen people on the autism
spectrum convince abuse was normal.

I've seen people on the autism spectrum
that they're so sort of cerebral

that they've thought themselves in
to situations that were abusive when

they could just walk out the door,
and we don't do this for no reason.

We're really good at gravitating
toward familiar because that's life

we're reinforced into that pattern.

Maybe we had to be
enduring abuse to survive.

That was the only way it's like I can be
here and be abused and look, I'm living.

Sad as that is.

If that's any of you out there, I'm sorry,
but I'm glad you're listening to this.

It's an odd duality.

The worst it is.

The more you can see it, the more you
can name it, the more you can spot it.

And that's the first step.

But just because , just because
you're working toward healthy

doesn't mean anyone else will.

In fact, it makes them all the more
threatening because what you're working

toward, it's the very thing they
hate, something they can never be.

That's today's episode of Toxic.

If this resonates with you,
Here's what I want you to do next.

head, over to my Focus Path blog,
subscribe to Focus Path Insights.

That's where I send the practical tools
we can't cover in the 20 minute podcast,

including the exact boundary scripts that
reveal toxic patterns, and the clinical

assessment questions I use in practice.

Public posts give you the theory, but
email subscribers get the actionable

frameworks, the tools, the real stuff.

That's my Focus Path blog.

I'm Jonathan Murphy, psychiatric
nurse practitioner, and remember,

understanding toxic patterns.

isn't about judgment,
it's about protection.

We'll see you next week on Toxic,