Four-Step Boundary Blueprint for Toxic Relationships

You've tried everything to deal
with the toxic people in your life.

You stay quiet, brush it off,
hold it all in, and pretend

that it really doesn't matter.

Whatever stressful, confusing, and chaotic
circumstances led up to this moment.

I know why you're here.

You're exhausted from accommodating
the toxic people in your life who

refuse to accept accountability.

In the next 10 minutes, I'm going to give
you the four step foundational framework

to begin setting boundaries today.

This approach works because it fuses
modern neuroscience and attachment

theory with group psychology, addressing
the complex social dynamics at play.

I'm Jonathan Murphy, psychiatric nurse
practitioner and trauma therapist.

This simple four step process helps my
patients heal from dysfunctional family

systems, abusive relationships, and
toxic work environments every single day

it's informed by my own path toward
healing from narcissistic abuse.

If this feels like a lot, I want
you to understand your way forward

is understanding yourself first and
building a bridge towards safety.

and at the end of this video, I'll give
you the foolproof scripts to use when

you're face-to-face with a toxic person.

But first, let me ask you this.

What if the most powerful boundary
doesn't even require you to say a word

stay with me because what I'm about to
share might completely change how you

approach these difficult relationships.

Step one doesn't even involve moving.

It's right here, right
now, right where you are.

It's about establishing
your base of safety.

Think of home base in baseball, you
have to run home so you're safe.

Well, here's the thing.

That wasn't the case for me
or for many of you watching.

That's why you need to take it back.

You're building a foundation.

It's a home base of strength
and it starts right here.

Dealing with toxic people causes
your nervous system to fire up.

When you sense a threat, you go into
danger mode, and anxiety is your body's

way of telling you: you're not safe.

Here's how I want you to
think about your system.

At the top is your mind.

The middle is your nervous system
with all its fight flight, involuntary

reactions to sensory input.

What you feel, see, sense, and
touch at the bottom is your body.

If you're stuck in one zone,
it's likely that you've lost

touch with your emotional world,

But one day, that emotional information
will tell you something vital

about what you're comfortable with.

When you use this understanding
as the way to navigate your

relationships, you will feel better.

But until then, you need to remain
present and responsive to how you feel.

You might overthink or
spiral at the top level.

If so, you need to remind
yourself of your body.

You might feel uncomfortable in your body.

if so,

you may need to actively and mindfully
engage with your environment.

This understanding is your home base.

Whenever or wherever you find yourself in
the trigger zone, you need to return here.

This is your mindfulness practice,
your safety anchor in this process,

the first boundary you
set isn't with others.

It's with yourself.

It's recognizing when you're
triggered, and giving yourself

permission to step back, breathe, and
reconnect with your base of safety.

But here's where most people
make a critical mistake.

They try to skip this step and
jump right into confrontation.

Later, I'll show you why this backfires
dramatically and why those scripts

I promised you only work after
you've mastered this first step.

For now, let's move on to step two, where
you'll discover why the most even logical

arguments fail against toxic people.

Step two is about understanding the
world outside of your home base.

That's the battlefield of life.

You need to recognize that when
you move in the outside world

where other people are around,

you automatically revert to patterns
you've established in the past.

Why

, group psychology.

Here's the thing about groups you
grow up attaching, not just to your

caregivers, but more importantly
finding safety within group dynamics.

if you respond and adapt to
your external environment in

ways that make it more stable.

That's a win.

You get highly reinforced into
this way of relating to people,

These automatic involuntary
responses you experience when

you go out into the battlefield
of life are your nervous system

responding to perceived safety cues.

In groups, people become more primitive.

When you're at work, you
play a role in that group.

Same is true for your family
system and social circles.

As you navigate these roles you need to
understand have an assigned role to play,

and when you're triggered, it's your
nervous system saying, I don't like this.

This matters.

Because as an adult, it's the first
time when you truly have a choice.

When you're growing up, you need group
belonging so much that you'll sacrifice

parts of yourself for the whole.

And that's actually adaptive
because you're dependent

In adolescence, you relate to others
and find your groups in the world,

But you can get stuck if you're constantly
staying quiet or peacekeeping to

maintain harmony at your own expense.

When you're triggered in these groups,
your heart might race, you get stressed.

These are signals

In these moments, you want to draw
awareness to this activation and remind

yourself of your safety, your home base.

If you're at work, have a plan
B to step back and reconnect

with your sense of safety.

How do you identify your triggers?

Through journaling, self-reflection,
catching yourself in thought spirals.

When you're triggered, it's like
your inner child reaches out and

starts pulling on gears and levers.

This emotional memory literally
takes you back to that emotional

place where you had different needs.

If you respond from that
place, you'll struggle

The old ways don't work anymore.

Now, you might be wondering, these
group dynamics are so powerful.

How can you possibly stand up to them?

That's where step three comes in,
this next step is the key to making

sure your boundaries aren't just
temporary fixes, but actually stick.

Step three is about interpreting the data
your body and emotions are giving you.

Here's a rule of thumb, if
it's involuntary and automatic,

it's a trigger response.

You're in the trigger zone, and if you're
compelled to do something outside of

yourself, like reach out people, please,
or maybe hightail it to a different

job or town, this is the same issue.

You're still running on
that old operating system.

You need to remind yourself of
your safety and recognize that it's

your inner child that's hurting.

Once you return to your base of
safety, ask yourself, what does

my inner child feel right now?

And no matter what the answer is, remind
yourself it's okay to feel that way.

From there, you might distract yourself or
do something that makes you feel better.

That's okay.

That's giving your inner
child some love and play.

And that's an important
part of this process too.

Then eventually your adult
brain will come back online.

We can't rush our way there may
take days, but eventually we can

start to process what happened
with our grownup adult brains.

How will you know when this happens?

It's simply an aha moment that arrives
naturally when your system is ready

with your adult brain back online,
you can ask, what do I need to do

to take care of my inner child?

Remember, no matter what you were told
growing up, all emotions are normal.

Remind yourself of that.

And if you feel shame or guilt,
that's the number one sign you're

holding on to an unhealed inner child.

That's what you're doing here,
healing, and oftentimes it

involves setting boundaries.

This is where everything changes.

Once you master this step, you'll
notice something remarkable in your

interactions with toxic people.

You'll find yourself responding in ways
that would've been impossible before.

And you're almost ready for
those exact scripts I promised.

But There's one final step that
makes all the difference between

boundaries that crumble and boundaries
that transform your relationships.

Maybe you have a crazy boss,
a narcissistic partner,

or a toxic friend group.

Whatcha gonna do?

Let's just forget about
it and move to Bora Bora,

not so fast.

That might sound good, but
it's still not healing.

Listen to your inner child enough
to understand whenever you feel

compelled to reach out to someone, call
randomly, say hello, whatever it is,

ask yourself, what's
the emotion under this?

when you're giving even simply words,
you're putting something out there.

And if you go into that with a
need for someone else to say or

do something to make you feel
better, you're in big trouble.

what you need to do is be
responsive instead of reactive.

You are moving toward your nervous
system learning and feeling safe.

That means not just knowing or convincing
yourself that you can or can't do

something, it's moving toward the true
belief that comes from lived experience,

you can communicate in a healthy
way based on your emotions.

Here's how

honey, when you yelled at me in front
of the kids, it was embarrassing.

I'm gonna ask you not to do that anymore.

Then don't justify,
argue, defend, or explain.

They push back.

Simply say, I'm sorry, that's hard for
you, and have an exit strategy ready.

Ultimately, you must move
through this process with

your family members, partners,
children, friends, and coworkers.

It's not enough to do things the old way.

Through being responsive to yourself.

Setting boundaries with others

and allowing yourself the space to remain
present regardless of how others react.

They show you and point you towards safer
jobs, partners, friends, and neighbors.

So what about those truly toxic people?

Gray Rock become as boring as
a rock and back away slowly.

Now, as I promised at the beginning,
here are those exact scripts that

you can use when facing toxic people.

First up for everyone, a
universal boundary formula.

Bob, when you yelled at me at
staff meeting the other day.

It made me feel uncomfortable
and I'm gonna ask you to be

professional in the future.

remember after setting
this boundary applied,

jade, do not justify,
argue, defend, or explain.

Simply state the boundary and hold firm.

Now, this one's for peacekeepers.

Those who say yes to avoid conflict.

Here's your thinking.

Pause script.

I'm going to take the time to think about
that and let you know if you're pushed

I understand you want an answer now, but
I need time to consider this properly.

I'll get back to you by
tonight, tomorrow, whatever.

And this is for dealing with
people who get agitated.

I hear what you're saying.

I would like to take a pause in
this conversation I'm not able

to have a productive conversation
when voices are raised.

I'm gonna step away now and we can
discuss this when we're both calm

and for you scapegoats out there, the
ones that get blamed for everything.

Sorry, you feel that way
and here's your follow up.

I understand you're upset.

I'm responsible for my
actions, not your emotions.

I care about resolving this, but I won't
accept blame for things I haven't done.

and reminder, use that emergency exit
strategy when all else fails, the

Gray Rock method become as boring
and uninteresting as possible.

Here's some examples.

That's interesting.

I see.

Now think about that.

I need to go.

Now, remember, the effectiveness
of these scripts doesn't come from

the words themselves, but from the
regulated nervous system behind them.

When delivered from your reactive
inner child, they'll likely backfire.

When delivered from your responsive adult
self, after you've done the inner work,

from steps one to three, They become
powerful tools for reclaiming your peace.

Remember that question I
asked you at the beginning

about the most powerful boundary,
not requiring you to say a word.

This is it.

The ability to return to your home
base, interpret your internal data

and respond rather than react.

The scripts are powerful tools,
but they're only effective when

you've built this foundation.

First, this four step process,
establishing your home base of safety,

understanding the battlefield beyond

Interpreting your internal data and
taking responsive action isn't just

about dealing with toxic people.

It's about reclaiming your peace,
your health, and your authentic self.

This video helped you leave a
comment below, sharing which

step resonated with you.

I read every comment and
respond to as many as I can.

Thank you for joining me today
on this journey toward healthier

boundaries and relationships.